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Thank goodness Iām not there anymore. Thank goodness I now feel it was worth it. Iām so glad I have answers at last. Iām so glad I donāt feel ashamed of myself anymore. And at last I can sleep.
Part two of Mayhem is due out any day now, and Retail (working title) is almost up and running. Iām glad I didnāt see either of the endings coming to those - that would mean readers would, and that simply wonāt do. I canāt even know the ending, it should be a shock to me too.
M X
P.S All we need sometimes to make us feel better, is a little hindsight.
]]>http://www.rjharry.co.uk/
I feel all grown up now I have a website!!!
Love to all,
LP X
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You see, I was with him. And it was so glorious, but so heartbreaking. And I dream about him, about once a month, and each time, it upsets me for a week afterwards.
Let me tell you what happened.
He looked different to how he was when I knew him. Older, better defined. More confident. And, for some odd reason, we met up at a swimming pool. But I wasnāt in my country. Where we were, Iām unsure. And the swimming pool was more like an outdoor leisure complex and, we were both alone.
So, we splashed and spoke all day and all I can remember, thinking back, was that Iāve never seen anyone as beautiful. His face, his mouth, the shape of him seemed perfectly moulded, as if for only me to admire. As if he was built to fit me and I him.
Whilst in the water, we did thingsā¦..secret things that thrilled both of us, but things we had done before, but never so blissful as with each other. I looked up at his face and he seemed exhilarated, ecstatic.
And then it was time to go home.
We sat together, travelling away from this place, hair both soaking, our faces flushed, and rosy. And thisā¦..what was said next I shall never forget.
I said, āYou knowā¦..Iām thinkingā¦.we should have never parted.ā
And he looked at me with such adoration, such sorrow, and replied,
āIām thinking that, you were the love of my life.ā
And then something really odd happened.
He fell. He fell in a awkward, unnatural way and, he broke his arm - his right one. It was so severe that, I could see his bone poking through. And he looked at me with such fear.
And then I sat up, in the dark, and heād gone.
Again.
M X
P.S If only you could pull things outā¦.
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Run rabbit run, as fast as you can. Donāt look back.
Heāll dance to your beat, and steal your heart...
ā¦And smile with those teeth - then tear you apartā¦
Hounds and the hills you danced up the brook ??
That way you survive, ātill thereās nothing leftā¦
Run rabbit run, as fast as you can.
Donāt look back.
Donāt look back.
M X
P.S Thank you H.
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For anyone who has stared up, heart thudding as the band take their places on-stage, their silhouettes glowing in the darknessā¦For anyone who loves boys who wear eyelinerā¦For anyone would feels angered that only ever boys seem to make it big in the music industry, and only ever a handful of womenā¦.For anyone whoās ever wondered, what do they talk about in private?ā¦For anyone who has ever wanted to get back-stageā¦.For anyone who wants to play āspin the bottleā with their favourite bandā¦For anyone who likes social commentaryā¦For anyone who likes lines from songsā¦For anyone who has a dark sense of humourā¦and, for anyone, who has stared up wide-eyed and dared themselves to ask the questionā¦I wonder what would happen if me fell in love with meā¦?
It was done for youā¦
Toodle-pip for nowā¦ā¦
P.S For the ones closet to me, you know where to find me.
]]>Itās then when I seem to be capable of the things Iām most proud of. Itās almost as if, I have to be that way.
But at the moment, the world seems quiet. As if the calm before the storm. I love storms. Thunder-bolt and lightening very very frightening.
And I sense change. Immanent change. And in that I mean me, and all those around me. I think there is going to be some kind of a āshiftā.
I feel it in my bones.
Funny, I wonder if I shall look back on this journal one day and see I was right?
Iām confident I will.
I have an uncanny knack for writing things that happen. So that would be my power if I were a superheroā¦(come to think of it, I could actually BE one and am only just realising; I did lose both parents tragically when I was young; that seems to be the first āruleā with superherodom).
Just think, in the wrong hands, such a skill could be turned very bad, and used to the holderās advantage, even though it wouldnāt benefit others.
So, what should I doā¦ā¦shall I stay goodā¦.or shall I use this for my own personal gainā¦?
M X
P.S Good methinks. I wasnāt born bad - Iām just drawn that wayā¦..
]]>As I walked though town, alone at lunchtime, I felt melancholy; like a failure. Iām sure weāve all done this but, for some reason I beat myself up about it if ever I feel this way.
Soā¦I decided to make a pledge.
If I ever become a success, to such a point that I make a large some of money, Iām going to give some away (my mother always used to say that enough is as good as a feast - I think this is true).
But not to just anyone.
No.
Iām going to give it to someone who deserves it (itās always been a fantasy of mine to do this).
What I shall do is, I shall watch people, girls working in shops, bars, and I shall find someone who, through lifeās misfortune, has not had any luck thus far, and cannot be what they have always dreamed because of bad circumstanceā¦.funny, I know a lot of people like this (Iām sure we all do).
I shall then just walk up to them, and present them with a cheque for Ā£100,000.
I shall say, that they must use the money to educate themselves, start a business, or travel to a place they have always wished to go.
I would love to do this, and dream of it often.
You see, the thing is, I think, feel, know, that sometimes people just deserve a break.
I think that sometimes, people should be sprinkled with magic dustā¦.and Iād love to be the one to do that to someone.
Iād love to see the look on their face.
Then, it would have been worth it.
M X
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Iāll let you into a little secret shall I? Early on in this year, I told my sister, and only my sister, that I wanted to kill myself. And seriously, I was considering it. And that sort of thing, really isnāt me or, like me to say that.
You see, I felt so, so sick of feeling desperate. Desperate for answers, desperate for success, recognition, and most of all, for someone to look me in the eyes, and tell me that, they knew how I felt, as they felt the same way too. And Iād believe it when they told me too. But up to now, no one ever has.
I think that, as a girl, I never realised just how complex feelings can be, how painful, from an adult female. I wish my mother would have warned me. Sometimes I lay around and look down at myself, and wonder how having this shape, this wondrous, glorious shape, can make me feel such emptiness; indeed, sometimes I canāt believe I inhabit it.
Anyway, needless to say, I didnāt do it, as Iām here typing.
The reason why I didnāt isā¦my sisterās response was, to imagine her reaction, upon finding out that her only remaining family member was dead and, sheād done it to herself too.
Soā¦I guess, thatās the reason Iām still here. I love my sister, more that it hurts to be alive sometimes.
RJH X
]]>The little boy, a dark, macabre cherub, sat on the garden steps of his home. Heād seen her many times but, this time would be the last until much later, a time when he would be a king, a leader for so many. He stared at her. Light and fair and angelic, her white hair framing her face like a glittering halo. She was a ghost. A spectre. A figment of his imagination - or so his mother said.
His mother, the template from which he was moulded.
The little girl stared back at him, a look of childish amusement on her lips. A witch, a little white witch and, he wanted her to play but, she never would. Not for many years. He stood and, she turned on her heel in response. Pattering through the grass, he followed, reaching out his hand, almost there, but never close enough to touch. She turned, and beckoned him with her finger. In his mind he heard it. Her voice. Soft and high and luring. The girl was good. Yet bad. In the quietest of whispers, in the softest of words, her voice echoed in his mind.
āFollow meā¦ā it trailed off.
And then, she was gone. But she had been there forever.
RJH X
]]>Hello All,
Iām gradually moving across to MySpace so, please feel free to add me, message me, or do whatever you wish with me over there!!!
Look forward to seeing you!!!
Kisses,
M X
P.S I posted a URL on this page!!!
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Just to mention to anyone who liked any of my journalsā¦.my first book is out now!
Itās being previewed on Amazon UKā¦
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mayhem-Angels-R-J-Harry/dp/1434386252/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217276520&sr=1-1
And USā¦.
http://www.amazon.com/Mayhem-Angels-R-J-Harry/dp/1434386252/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217276624&sr=8-1
Iām saying this a little earlier than I should butā¦.if one person happens to read it, and loves itā¦.it was worth doing.
And now Iām off to write my next one.
Much love to all.
M X
P.S Thank you to all who helped me with this; you know who you areā¦.
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Maria hated him when he said things like that. She wanted to reach out and slap is handsome face but she knew that was what he wanted, to provoke, as always. She saw no way out. The others exchanged glances. Aaronās wicked intentions towards Maria were no secret and they all watched, with amusement, the cat and mouse game they played. He moved the bottle, and crawled towards her.
She remained still, and watched with caution as he inched slowly closer. She had no option but to let him. Knelt in front of her now, she stared, fascinated, at his neck, the curves decorated with black sharp stubble. She felt his hot, quick breath on her forehead and, despite his burning gaze, she wouldnāt look at him, not wanting to reveal her attraction, not even knowing it herself consciously. Aaron placed large hands around her delicate jaws and neck. She felt as if he might crush them. He leaned lingeringly towards her. He smelt musky, like sandalwood. She closed her eyes and let her head drop back, mouth falling slightly open to receive his kiss. She didnāt touch him. Clasping her hands together tightly and sensibly in front of her, she resisted the burning urge to reach out and explore greedily. His kiss was surprisingly soft, his mouth warm and also half open. His wet pointed tongue moved gently, romantically. She felt his stubble, harsh and unforgiving, the contrast of the two textures felt thrilling and dangerous. Maria got lost.
Suddenly, Aaron forgot himself and feverishly grabbed the back of her head, his initial gentleness turning quickly into cruel, biting lust. He pulled her hair violently, yanking her head further back, forcing her to open her mouth wider. The others watched silently, uneasily, each individually wondering if they should stop him. Will gawped. He had seen Aaron kiss many, many people but this was different.
Maria could hardly breathe. She unclamped her hands, and shoved his long lean arms away. Their mouths abruptly parted. Aaronās lips glistened with saliva. āGod! You always take things too far!!ā she spat, disgusted, although her heart was pounding.
Aaron whispered back at her in a patronising voice. āOh I forgot. Youāre a total prude.ā
She smiled crudely back at him replying, āTrust me, only were youāre concerned.ā
He grinned in response, although it was not genuine. He felt in the few seconds they had touched how raw Maria was. How passionate and frustrated. He wondered why she seemed so shrewish, so afraid of her own sexuality, when she was quite clearly aware of it in public. Maybe she was afraid of him. Or maybe she just didnāt fancy him, although he had never before considered that possibility.
The others moved on quickly and poured more drinks to break the tension. It was Jamieās turn. Maria and Aaron stared at each other, couldnāt look away. Fixated, they both secretly felt as if they had released a demon. Started something that wouldnāt go away very easily.
Maria finally broke the spell, made her excuses, and went to the bathroom. Jamieās bottle landed on Marcus, and she could hear them screaming and laughing, forcing them to kiss, deciding who would be boy or girl.
Aaron tried to join in, smiled and laughed at the right times, although suddenly he didnāt feel very social. He felt possessed by something, a feeling of uneasiness. He wanted the others in the group to disappear. He wanted to be alone with Maria. He wanted to back her into a corner and scare her, teach her a lesson for mocking him and resisting him.
Meanwhile, Maria had locked herself safely in the toilet. She ached for physical attention. Not thoughtless, passionless fumblings, but lustful painful love. It had been so long since she had experienced this, if ever, and she couldnāt remember when, or how. She wanted a smouldering adventure but this was becoming increasingly difficult with her fame. Stupid male models and faceless fans pursued yet she was alone, and isolated. The most popular, yet loneliest person in the room. Aaron would do for a few weeks, he was burningly handsome, but he would compromise her and the girls position. He also disgusted her slightly, yet excited her in a secret sordid way. His sexual urgency was on display, so seedy, and obvious. Maria reasoned she would take her pleasure elsewhere and fight him off. She knew soon that he would cool, as men always do, always have. He may be a spoilt indulged monster, but underneath it all, he was still a man with ideas that would be forgotten as soon as a new flavour came along.
Maria burned, as she took down her underwear and sat on the toilet. Nothing came; she was too swollen from Aaronās teasing violent kiss. Making sure she had locked the door, she reached down between her legs with a shaky left hand. Tightly clenching her own dripping flesh, she felt instant relief as she quickly worked her fingers in the usual key area. A combination of shame and arousal swept over her as she couldnāt help but think of his mouth, hot and experienced. He may be a dog, but he knew his trade well, and how to get what he wanted.
Although she had fought him off she knew that, had they been alone, the outcome may have been a very different story.
Rubbing faster now, she couldnāt help but think of the smell of him, dark and masculine. Within seconds it happened and she bit her lower lip to prevent herself from screaming. The thoughts flying through her head calmed. She had needed the release, such was her appetite.
She washed her hands, checked her face, opened the door and walked calmly back into the entourage.
M X
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